09.3 Mixed Feelings

HOW CAN I AVOID EXPRESSING MIXED FEELINGS?

Some of your concern or ambivalence about overnight camp will eventually rub off on your child.  He will sense that you’re nervous, and that will make it harder for him to feel good about leaving for a few weeks.  He may have started out feeling just fine about going to overnight camp, but then he hears you say how worried you are.  He thinks to himself, “Well, if my mom and dad are worried, maybe I should be worried too.  There must be something scary about camp.  Otherwise, my parents wouldn’t be worried.” 

Kids are constantly looking to their parents for guidance on how to feel.  This is especially true about new challenges.  Remember your child’s first steps?  He wasn’t looking at his feet the whole time.  He was looking up at you; looking for your approval and encouragement.  That’s what he needs now, as he heads off to overnight camp: approval and encouragement.

On the left side of the following table, you’ll read some mixed messages that parents sometimes give about overnight camp.  On the right side of the table, you’ll read a child’s probable response to each statement.  After each example of a “not so good” statement, you can read a “better” alternative statement.  These examples should help you clarify what to say and what not to say to your future camper.

Some “not so good” and “better” ways to express your feelings about overnight camp:

 

 

	Parent says:	Child thinks:
not so good:	“Have a great time at camp, Chris.  I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”	I shouldn’t go to camp because my parents may not survive without me.
better:	“Have a great time at camp, Chris.  I’m so excited for your adventure.”	I should go to camp.  My parents will be fine at home without me.
not so good:	“You’ll love camp, Chris.  Of course, I’ll be bored to tears.”	It’s not fair for me to go to camp because my parents will be bored without me at home.
better:	“You’ll love camp, Chris.  While you’re gone, I’ll be busy with work and seeing my friends.”	I don’t have to worry about my parents while I’m at camp.  They have lots of their own activities planned.
not so good:	“These activities sound great.  I really should just go to camp with you.”	This camp is for grown-ups, not for kids.  I wonder whether I’ll like it at all.
better:	“These activities sound great.  They’re just perfect for kids like you.”	Camp is a special place for kids.  I bet I’ll love it.  I wonder what activity will be my favorite?
not so good:	“Overnight camp is a good idea, but this is the first time you’ve been away from home.  I sure hope it works out.”	Uh-oh.  I thought I could make it at camp, but my parents don’t think so.  Maybe I just shouldn’t go.  It might not work out.
better:	“Overnight camp is a good idea.  Even though this is your first time away from home, I’m sure you’ll do fine.”	This is a new experience, but my parents have a lot of confidence in me.  If they think I can do it, then I bet I can.
not so good:	“I’m sure everything will be fine.  It’s just going to make Mommy and Daddy very sad to see you go.”	I’m hurting my parents by going to overnight camp.  Things that hurt my parents are bad, so overnight camp must be bad, too.  Am I bad?
better:	“I’m sure everything will be fine.  Of course Mommy and Daddy will miss you...we love you!  But we’ll see you again really soon.”	My parents will miss me, but that’s not a bad thing.  They love me, and they want what’s best for me.  I’ll see them soon.
not so good:	“Three weeks sounds perfect, but that is a mighty long time.  I sure hope you can make it that long.”	Three weeks is a mighty long time.  I don’t think I can make it that long.  Better not go.
better:	“Three weeks sounds perfect.  That’s just a little longer than winter vacation, and you remember how short that seemed.”	Three weeks isn’t that long, when you think about it.  Overnight camp will be just a little longer than winter vacation.  I can do it.
not so good:	“I loved camp when I was a kid, but my God was I ever homesick.”	Camp is good.  No, wait, camp is bad.  I’m going to be really homesick, just like my dad.
better:	“I loved camp when I was a kid.  Of course I missed home a little.  That’s normal.  But I went back to camp for six summers in a row.”	It’s normal to miss home.  Even my parents missed home when they went to camp, but you can miss home and still have a fun time at camp.  I can’t wait to go!

It’s not always easy to hide your concern and mixed emotions.  However, there are lots of things you can do to feel better about sending your child to overnight camp.  Then you won’t have to hide anything.  You can simply express how positive you feel.  Of course, you will always have a bit of concern in the back of your mind, but you’re supposed to.  That’s what parents do.

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