THE BEST WAYS TO PREVENT STRONG HOMESICKNESS, PT 2
8. If possible, avoid moving in the weeks before or during camp.
Overnight camp is usually a comfortable separation. Both parents and kids have fun during their time
apart. But too many separations all at once can be uncomfortable. If at all possible, try not to move to a new home in the weeks before or during camp. Moving is stressful partly because it entails leaving old friends and familiar surroundings. Sometimes, having to make new friends at home and at camp, plus getting used to new surroundings at camp and in a new neighborhood, is a lot for kids to handle. Homesickness can result from such huge disruptions. Remember, the fewer worries kids have about how things will go at home while they’re away, the better time they’ll have at camp.
If you must move around camp time, prepare your child as much as possible. Visit the new home, or look at pictures of it together. Reassure your child that her clothes and toys and other treasured
objects will be safely moved to the new location. Talk about what her new bedroom will be like, and about the new neighborhood. Answer as many questions about the move as you can, to allay her concerns and avoid unpleasant surprises.
9. If possible, avoid traumatic separations in the weeks before or during camp.
We realize that families often cannot control big events like moving. They have even less control over traumatic separations, such as when a husband and wife separate, when a parent leaves for military service, or when a close family member dies. However, sometimes you will have a little bit of control. In those cases, it is best to time the separation in a way that leaves enough days for children to cope with it and ask questions before they leave for camp. Unanswered questions about how family members are doing can shift children’s attention from camp to home, leading to stronger homesick feelings.
10. Be truthful about stressful issues.
We recognize that tips 8 and 9 are tough ones. Moving and traumatic separations are sensitive, stressful issues. Above all, remember to be truthful with your child, no matter how poor the timing of a stressful event. Hiding a move or separation from your child, and then doing it behind her back while she is at camp, can be devastating. Parents who do this have good intentions. They think they are shielding their kids from stress. Temporarily, they are. But when the kids return home, they are shocked with a new living situation. Worse, they become mistrustful of their parents and fearful of spending time away from home. They think, “What’s going to happen next time I leave home?”
11. Provide comfort to your child after negative life events.
Sometimes, kids experience something scary, stressful, sad, or painful in the months before camp. Maybe their goldfish dies; maybe they change schools; maybe their best friend moves away; maybe their science project bombs; or maybe their parents get divorced. If something is causing your child to be upset, talk about it before she leaves for camp. Kids who discuss and “work through” negative events before camp have an easier time concentrating on positive events during camp.
Our research has shown recent negative life events do not necessarily lead to homesickness. In other words, kids who endure a negative event before camp have as good a chance of enjoying overnight camp as other kids. However, we see a few kids every summer whose thoughts during camp linger on something that happened at home before they left. These are probably the kids who didn’t have enough time to process the stressful event before they came to camp. Therefore, we recommend that parents make a special effort before camp to help their kids deal with any recent negative life events.
In the rare instance that something bad happens during your child’s camp stay, wait to tell him when you see him, at the end of the session. Writing bad news in a letter upsets kids at a time when you cannot provide comfort. Visiting camp in the middle of the session to share some bad news is even more upsetting and disruptive. If a true tragedy occurs and you must immediately be with your child, call the camp director and arrange for your child to return home early.
12. Send your child a letter at camp before the first day.
Getting mail makes kids feel loved and remembered. Personal letters and postcards—whether from parents, friends, and relatives—renew the connection with home. Even pets can “write” letters, with the help of their owners. It’s an especially wonderful feeling when mail arrives on the first day of camp. To make this work, you can either mail your letter a few days before opening day, or bring your first letter to camp and give it to your child’s cabin leader. The cabin leader can then hand-deliver it on the first full day of camp.
13. Do not make deals about early pick-ups.
Making pick-up deals is an innocent but destructive attempt to reduce pre-camp anxiety. It’s normal for children to feel nervous and excited as camp time approaches. It’s also normal for first-year campers to be worried about homesickness and ask themselves whether camp is such a good idea in the first place. Unfortunately, some well-meaning parents will try to comfort their child by saying something like, “Well, if you still feel homesick after three days, I’ll come to camp and pick you up.” This promise almost guarantees that the child will be homesick, and that the parent will be forced to fulfill the promise. What’s worse, the child will not gain independence or self-confidence. He may even feel like a failure.
There are two reasons why pick-up deals usually backfire. First, the deal contains a negative message. That message is: “Mom and Dad don’t think you can make it through camp. I think that you will be so homesick that the only solution will be to leave camp.” The second reason why these deals backfire is that they give children a powerful, home-related thought to dwell on: The Pick-Up. Then, every time the child encounters a stressful situation at camp, or feels a twinge of homesickness, his thoughts turn to The Pick-Up. “My parents said that if I didn’t like camp, they’d come to pick me up.” This thought becomes a mental crutch. The child leans on it, instead of his own developing power to cope.
Phone deals are equally frustrating for campers and staff. For example, we have sat with campers for hours and comforted them while they told us over and over how their parents promised they could call home. Apparently, some parents promise phone contact to their children even though the camp makes it clear in its information packet that campers are not allowed to use the phone. You can see how these deals, especially the ones that attempt to break the camp’s rules, undermine children’s independence and ability to cope.
If your child does ask you, straight out, “Mom, will you come pick me up if I get really homesick and hate camp?” the best answer is something like, “You sound a little nervous about going to camp. But I think you’re really going to love it. It’s normal to feel nervous before you go. Plus, even if you do have some homesick feelings at camp, you’ll know what to think and do to make things better. We’re going to learn some strategies that help a lot with homesickness. So, even though you might have some homesick feelings, I think you’re going to have a great time at camp.”
There is one caveat: Camp is not a jail. Every once in a great while, the best thing for a child is to return home early. Naturally, skilled cabin leaders first work hard with such children to help them cope. Yet, if the child’s distress is severe and long-lasting, staff should recognize when the benefits of going home outweigh the benefits of staying at camp. Because decisions about shortening a child’s stay at camp are complex, parents and camp staff need to make the decision together. Near the end of the book, we explain how to make this collaborative decision wisely, if you ever come to that rare point.
There you have it—the most powerful ways that parents can help prevent distressing homesickness. Remember, having some homesick feelings before camp or during camp is normal. It also reminds kids what they love about their home and family, and motivates them to learn valuable coping skills.
8. If possible, avoid moving in the weeks before or during camp.
Overnight camp is usually a comfortable separation. Both parents and kids have fun during their time
If you must move around camp time, prepare your child as much as possible. Visit the new home, or look at pictures of it together. Reassure your child that her clothes and toys and other treasured
9. If possible, avoid traumatic separations in the weeks before or during camp.
We realize that families often cannot control big events like moving. They have even less control over traumatic separations, such as when a husband and wife separate, when a parent leaves for military service, or when a close family member dies. However, sometimes you will have a little bit of control. In those cases, it is best to time the separation in a way that leaves enough days for children to cope with it and ask questions before they leave for camp. Unanswered questions about how family members are doing can shift children’s attention from camp to home, leading to stronger homesick feelings.
10. Be truthful about stressful issues.
We recognize that tips 8 and 9 are tough ones. Moving and traumatic separations are sensitive, stressful issues. Above all, remember to be truthful with your child, no matter how poor the timing of a stressful event. Hiding a move or separation from your child, and then doing it behind her back while she is at camp, can be devastating. Parents who do this have good intentions. They think they are shielding their kids from stress. Temporarily, they are. But when the kids return home, they are shocked with a new living situation. Worse, they become mistrustful of their parents and fearful of spending time away from home. They think, “What’s going to happen next time I leave home?”
11. Provide comfort to your child after negative life events.
Sometimes, kids experience something scary, stressful, sad, or painful in the months before camp. Maybe their goldfish dies; maybe they change schools; maybe their best friend moves away; maybe their science project bombs; or maybe their parents get divorced. If something is causing your child to be upset, talk about it before she leaves for camp. Kids who discuss and “work through” negative events before camp have an easier time concentrating on positive events during camp.
Our research has shown recent negative life events do not necessarily lead to homesickness. In other words, kids who endure a negative event before camp have as good a chance of enjoying overnight camp as other kids. However, we see a few kids every summer whose thoughts during camp linger on something that happened at home before they left. These are probably the kids who didn’t have enough time to process the stressful event before they came to camp. Therefore, we recommend that parents make a special effort before camp to help their kids deal with any recent negative life events.
In the rare instance that something bad happens during your child’s camp stay, wait to tell him when you see him, at the end of the session. Writing bad news in a letter upsets kids at a time when you cannot provide comfort. Visiting camp in the middle of the session to share some bad news is even more upsetting and disruptive. If a true tragedy occurs and you must immediately be with your child, call the camp director and arrange for your child to return home early.
12. Send your child a letter at camp before the first day.
Getting mail makes kids feel loved and remembered. Personal letters and postcards—whether from parents, friends, and relatives—renew the connection with home. Even pets can “write” letters, with the help of their owners. It’s an especially wonderful feeling when mail arrives on the first day of camp. To make this work, you can either mail your letter a few days before opening day, or bring your first letter to camp and give it to your child’s cabin leader. The cabin leader can then hand-deliver it on the first full day of camp.
13. Do not make deals about early pick-ups.
Making pick-up deals is an innocent but destructive attempt to reduce pre-camp anxiety. It’s normal for children to feel nervous and excited as camp time approaches. It’s also normal for first-year campers to be worried about homesickness and ask themselves whether camp is such a good idea in the first place. Unfortunately, some well-meaning parents will try to comfort their child by saying something like, “Well, if you still feel homesick after three days, I’ll come to camp and pick you up.” This promise almost guarantees that the child will be homesick, and that the parent will be forced to fulfill the promise. What’s worse, the child will not gain independence or self-confidence. He may even feel like a failure.
There are two reasons why pick-up deals usually backfire. First, the deal contains a negative message. That message is: “Mom and Dad don’t think you can make it through camp. I think that you will be so homesick that the only solution will be to leave camp.” The second reason why these deals backfire is that they give children a powerful, home-related thought to dwell on: The Pick-Up. Then, every time the child encounters a stressful situation at camp, or feels a twinge of homesickness, his thoughts turn to The Pick-Up. “My parents said that if I didn’t like camp, they’d come to pick me up.” This thought becomes a mental crutch. The child leans on it, instead of his own developing power to cope.
Phone deals are equally frustrating for campers and staff. For example, we have sat with campers for hours and comforted them while they told us over and over how their parents promised they could call home. Apparently, some parents promise phone contact to their children even though the camp makes it clear in its information packet that campers are not allowed to use the phone. You can see how these deals, especially the ones that attempt to break the camp’s rules, undermine children’s independence and ability to cope.
If your child does ask you, straight out, “Mom, will you come pick me up if I get really homesick and hate camp?” the best answer is something like, “You sound a little nervous about going to camp. But I think you’re really going to love it. It’s normal to feel nervous before you go. Plus, even if you do have some homesick feelings at camp, you’ll know what to think and do to make things better. We’re going to learn some strategies that help a lot with homesickness. So, even though you might have some homesick feelings, I think you’re going to have a great time at camp.”
There is one caveat: Camp is not a jail. Every once in a great while, the best thing for a child is to return home early. Naturally, skilled cabin leaders first work hard with such children to help them cope. Yet, if the child’s distress is severe and long-lasting, staff should recognize when the benefits of going home outweigh the benefits of staying at camp. Because decisions about shortening a child’s stay at camp are complex, parents and camp staff need to make the decision together. Near the end of the book, we explain how to make this collaborative decision wisely, if you ever come to that rare point.
There you have it—the most powerful ways that parents can help prevent distressing homesickness. Remember, having some homesick feelings before camp or during camp is normal. It also reminds kids what they love about their home and family, and motivates them to learn valuable coping skills.
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