CHAPTER 17
GUIDELINES FOR CONSIDERING A SHORTENED STAY
Shortened stays are very, very rare, which is why this is a short chapter. At camps where we’ve worked, fewer than 1 child in 100 returns home early because of extreme homesickness or a severe behavior problem. However, deciding on a shortened stay must be done carefully, which is why we’ve included this information. If you don’t anticipate a problem, you need not read any further. If a problem develops later, you can always come back and read more.
WHAT ABOUT A SHORTENED STAY?
There are times when homesick feelings are so strong, and last for so many days, that the best thing to do is shorten the child’s camp stay and have her return home early. How strong is too strong? How many days are too many? Those are important questions, but must be answered individually. Decisions about shortened stays should be made on a case-by-case basis. What your child can tolerate might be too much for another child.
The steps parents should go through with the camp staff are the same for every case of extreme homesickness or severe behavior problems. The keys in every case of a shortened camp stay are to make the decision carefully and frame the decision to return home positively. Note: We refer to homesickness throughout this chapter, because that’s the most common reason for a shortened stay. However, the steps of decision making are identical for cases when children experience other sorts of emotional or behavioral problems.
SEVEN STEPS IN CAREFUL DECISION MAKING
1. Discuss the severity of the homesickness.
In cases of severe homesickness, you will somehow become aware of your child’s distress. Either he will write to you, or a member of the camp staff will contact you. If what you’re hearing tells you that a shortened camp stay should be considered, get clear on the severity of your child’s homesickness. Talk to the camp director and your child’s cabin leader on the phone and ask these specific questions:
Safety and Severity
Activity
Eating and Sleeping
Social Functioning
Coping Skills
Extreme homesickness is rare, but it sometimes happens. Answering these questions will help you determine whether your child is extremely homesick, or just challenged by normal feelings of missing home. There’s no magic formula; you and the camp staff have to use your best judgment. Decide together whether you should consider a shortened stay.
2. Share your position on shortened stays.
It’s helpful for the camp staff to know what your position is on shortened stays. They can work with your child more effectively when they know what the options are. If coming home early is simply not an option, the camp staff will do their best to help your child cope with her homesickness. If coming home early is an option, the camp staff has something to fall back on if they decide your child’s homesickness is too extreme for her to stay at camp. Share your position on shortened stays early in your conversation with the camp staff to avoid misunderstandings later.
3. Resist talking directly to your child, but have the cabin leader keep him informed.
Very seldom do camps allow homesick children to talk on the phone with their parents. Such conversations often make the homesickness worse and result in hasty decisions to bring the child home early. Children and parents invariably regret these hasty decisions because afterwards they wonder whether they could have done something else to solve the problem. Returning home early is the last resort in cases of severe homesickness. It should be done only after all other options have been tried.
We recommend that you not talk directly to your homesick child. Hearing your voice will open emotional floodgates and make it nearly impossible for you to reason with him or convince him to stay. However, we do recommend that the cabin leader inform your child that the two of you have spoken. Why? First of all, it’s important for extremely homesick children to know that the camp staff is taking their distress seriously. When children know their parents have been contacted, they know their feelings are being taken seriously. That’s comforting. Second, it can be a huge relief for severely homesick children to know that a shortened stay is possible. Sometimes, this relief helps alleviate their homesickness, and a shortened stay no longer needs to be considered.
Unfortunately, knowing that a shortened stay is possible can also backfire. Some children will use this option as a crutch, and give up coping altogether. They stay homesick because they see their distress as a ticket home. In a way it is a crutch, which is why no one should get angry at a child who chooses this route. If you want your child to try spending time away from home again, you’ll need to be supportive. Sometimes this means being supportive even when you think your child could have tried harder.
4. Give it time.
At this point, you have already talked with the camp director and your child’s cabin leader. Let’s say that together you’ve decided that your child indeed does have a case of extreme homesickness, and that coming home early is a realistic option. Our recommendation is: Don’t make a decision right away. Ask your child’s cabin leader to work with your child for another day or two on ways of coping with his homesickness. Then, plan a specific time when you will talk again with the cabin leader to get an update.
For example, you might say, “O.K., at this point, we have a contingency plan. Ben could come home if things don’t get better for him soon. You’ll call me at work on Tuesday at 2:00 o’clock and we’ll discuss how he’s doing.”
5. When the camp calls back, verify your child’s wishes.
After collaboratively assessing your child’s homesickness, and giving her some time to cope, you’ll be talking on the phone again to the cabin leader or camp director. Ask about your child’s current homesickness status and whether or not she wants a shortened stay. Some kids will have improved and will want to stay at camp; others will be adamant about returning home. It is important for the cabin leader to know how your child feels about a shortened stay. When she presents the final plan to your child, it shouldn’t come as a surprise.
6. Make a final plan and frame the decision positively.
If your child is still terribly homesick after days of trying to cope, and days of getting help from the camp staff, the right thing to do may be to allow her to come home early. If this is also her desire, you can bet she’ll be relieved. Nevertheless, this is a difficult time for your child. She can easily view her early return home as a personal failure. The crucial element of turning her shortened stay into a success is to frame it positively. You and the camp staff need to tell your child how proud you are that she made it through at least part of camp.
For example, you might say, “Lanita, I think it’s great that you made it this far at overnight camp. This was one of your first times away from home and you did a great job. This summer you made it through six days; maybe next summer you’ll make it through all fourteen days. You have a lot to be proud of.”
Cabin leaders should also know to give similar positive messages to your child. Whenever we’re talking to a child who is about to return home early, we give him lots of praise for trying so hard. We remind him of all the different ways of coping that he learned. We remind him of the fun times he had. (There are always at least a few fun times to reminisce about.) We tell him that we hope we’ll see him next year, and that he should be proud to have gotten so far through the session. We privately remember that camp isn’t for every child. There are some children who just don’t like it. We also remind ourselves that camp should never be a jail. It should be fun and safe.
7. Be discrete with the pick-up at camp.
In most cases of a shortened stay, a family member picks the child up at camp. This pick-up should be discrete, meaning not in front of many other campers. The pick-up is usually an emotional moment, with everyone having lots of mixed feelings. An emotional reunion between a child and his family is a hard thing for other kids to witness. They sometimes wish that someone from their own family would come pick them up, or at least visit. For that reason, pick your child up at a time when the camp staff tells you there won’t be much going on. Rest hour and free time are generally good bets, but always have the cabin leader recommend exactly when and where you should pick your child up.
8. Be decisive about your plan.
Don’t change your mind after visiting with your child for a while at camp. Of course he will be acting less homesick because you’re standing right there. But that doesn’t suddenly mean that he can make it through the rest of the session. Changing your mind about a shortened stay, even if your child agrees at that moment, can have disastrous consequences.
We’ve seen parents and severely homesick kids who visited for a while and then changed their minds about leaving camp early. As soon as the parents drove away, the kids lapsed back into extreme homesickness. The next day, the parents had to drive back to camp. Leaving camp early is not an easy decision to make. Don’t make it harder by changing your mind at the last minute. Be decisive, and praise all of your child’s efforts.
Because of the impact a shortened stay can have on your child’s self-esteem, attitudes about overnight camp, and attitudes about future separations, it’s important to make such a decision slowly, thoughtfully, and in close collaboration with the camp staff.
GUIDELINES FOR CONSIDERING A SHORTENED STAY
Shortened stays are very, very rare, which is why this is a short chapter. At camps where we’ve worked, fewer than 1 child in 100 returns home early because of extreme homesickness or a severe behavior problem. However, deciding on a shortened stay must be done carefully, which is why we’ve included this information. If you don’t anticipate a problem, you need not read any further. If a problem develops later, you can always come back and read more.
WHAT ABOUT A SHORTENED STAY?
There are times when homesick feelings are so strong, and last for so many days, that the best thing to do is shorten the child’s camp stay and have her return home early. How strong is too strong? How many days are too many? Those are important questions, but must be answered individually. Decisions about shortened stays should be made on a case-by-case basis. What your child can tolerate might be too much for another child.
The steps parents should go through with the camp staff are the same for every case of extreme homesickness or severe behavior problems. The keys in every case of a shortened camp stay are to make the decision carefully and frame the decision to return home positively. Note: We refer to homesickness throughout this chapter, because that’s the most common reason for a shortened stay. However, the steps of decision making are identical for cases when children experience other sorts of emotional or behavioral problems.
SEVEN STEPS IN CAREFUL DECISION MAKING
1. Discuss the severity of the homesickness.
In cases of severe homesickness, you will somehow become aware of your child’s distress. Either he will write to you, or a member of the camp staff will contact you. If what you’re hearing tells you that a shortened camp stay should be considered, get clear on the severity of your child’s homesickness. Talk to the camp director and your child’s cabin leader on the phone and ask these specific questions:
Safety and Severity
- How safe is he being? Is he threatening to run away or do something else unsafe, or has he been following the camp rules and listening to his cabin leader?
- How upset does he look? Is he crying most the time, or does he look as if he is having fun most of the time?
- How is his mood? Is he happy most of the time, or is he often sad, down, or lonely? During quiet times, is he calm or anxious?
- How long has his homesickness lasted? Is this a one-day phenomenon, or has he been homesick for more than a few days?
Activity
- How much interest or pleasure does he show in activities?
- Is he fatigued or does he have low energy most of the time?
Eating and Sleeping
- How is his appetite? Is he eating full, balanced meals at mealtime, or is he barely eating?
- How is his sleeping? Is he getting a good night’s sleep, or does he have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep most nights?
Social Functioning
- How are his friendships? Is he playing with other children, or is he usually alone?
- How is his homesickness affecting the other kids in his group? Is it not a problem, or is his distress starting to make other kids unhappy or frustrated?
- How is his homesickness affecting his cabin leader’s time at camp? Is the problem taking up a significant amount of time, or is this only a minor inconvenience?
Coping Skills
- How are his coping skills? Is he making an effort to think and do different things to help his homesickness, or has he given up, claiming that nothing would help?
- How is his attitude? Does he desperately want to go home, or is he interested in trying to make it through to the end of the camp session?
Extreme homesickness is rare, but it sometimes happens. Answering these questions will help you determine whether your child is extremely homesick, or just challenged by normal feelings of missing home. There’s no magic formula; you and the camp staff have to use your best judgment. Decide together whether you should consider a shortened stay.
2. Share your position on shortened stays.
It’s helpful for the camp staff to know what your position is on shortened stays. They can work with your child more effectively when they know what the options are. If coming home early is simply not an option, the camp staff will do their best to help your child cope with her homesickness. If coming home early is an option, the camp staff has something to fall back on if they decide your child’s homesickness is too extreme for her to stay at camp. Share your position on shortened stays early in your conversation with the camp staff to avoid misunderstandings later.
3. Resist talking directly to your child, but have the cabin leader keep him informed.
Very seldom do camps allow homesick children to talk on the phone with their parents. Such conversations often make the homesickness worse and result in hasty decisions to bring the child home early. Children and parents invariably regret these hasty decisions because afterwards they wonder whether they could have done something else to solve the problem. Returning home early is the last resort in cases of severe homesickness. It should be done only after all other options have been tried.
We recommend that you not talk directly to your homesick child. Hearing your voice will open emotional floodgates and make it nearly impossible for you to reason with him or convince him to stay. However, we do recommend that the cabin leader inform your child that the two of you have spoken. Why? First of all, it’s important for extremely homesick children to know that the camp staff is taking their distress seriously. When children know their parents have been contacted, they know their feelings are being taken seriously. That’s comforting. Second, it can be a huge relief for severely homesick children to know that a shortened stay is possible. Sometimes, this relief helps alleviate their homesickness, and a shortened stay no longer needs to be considered.
Unfortunately, knowing that a shortened stay is possible can also backfire. Some children will use this option as a crutch, and give up coping altogether. They stay homesick because they see their distress as a ticket home. In a way it is a crutch, which is why no one should get angry at a child who chooses this route. If you want your child to try spending time away from home again, you’ll need to be supportive. Sometimes this means being supportive even when you think your child could have tried harder.
4. Give it time.
At this point, you have already talked with the camp director and your child’s cabin leader. Let’s say that together you’ve decided that your child indeed does have a case of extreme homesickness, and that coming home early is a realistic option. Our recommendation is: Don’t make a decision right away. Ask your child’s cabin leader to work with your child for another day or two on ways of coping with his homesickness. Then, plan a specific time when you will talk again with the cabin leader to get an update.
For example, you might say, “O.K., at this point, we have a contingency plan. Ben could come home if things don’t get better for him soon. You’ll call me at work on Tuesday at 2:00 o’clock and we’ll discuss how he’s doing.”
5. When the camp calls back, verify your child’s wishes.
After collaboratively assessing your child’s homesickness, and giving her some time to cope, you’ll be talking on the phone again to the cabin leader or camp director. Ask about your child’s current homesickness status and whether or not she wants a shortened stay. Some kids will have improved and will want to stay at camp; others will be adamant about returning home. It is important for the cabin leader to know how your child feels about a shortened stay. When she presents the final plan to your child, it shouldn’t come as a surprise.
6. Make a final plan and frame the decision positively.
If your child is still terribly homesick after days of trying to cope, and days of getting help from the camp staff, the right thing to do may be to allow her to come home early. If this is also her desire, you can bet she’ll be relieved. Nevertheless, this is a difficult time for your child. She can easily view her early return home as a personal failure. The crucial element of turning her shortened stay into a success is to frame it positively. You and the camp staff need to tell your child how proud you are that she made it through at least part of camp.
For example, you might say, “Lanita, I think it’s great that you made it this far at overnight camp. This was one of your first times away from home and you did a great job. This summer you made it through six days; maybe next summer you’ll make it through all fourteen days. You have a lot to be proud of.”
Cabin leaders should also know to give similar positive messages to your child. Whenever we’re talking to a child who is about to return home early, we give him lots of praise for trying so hard. We remind him of all the different ways of coping that he learned. We remind him of the fun times he had. (There are always at least a few fun times to reminisce about.) We tell him that we hope we’ll see him next year, and that he should be proud to have gotten so far through the session. We privately remember that camp isn’t for every child. There are some children who just don’t like it. We also remind ourselves that camp should never be a jail. It should be fun and safe.
7. Be discrete with the pick-up at camp.
In most cases of a shortened stay, a family member picks the child up at camp. This pick-up should be discrete, meaning not in front of many other campers. The pick-up is usually an emotional moment, with everyone having lots of mixed feelings. An emotional reunion between a child and his family is a hard thing for other kids to witness. They sometimes wish that someone from their own family would come pick them up, or at least visit. For that reason, pick your child up at a time when the camp staff tells you there won’t be much going on. Rest hour and free time are generally good bets, but always have the cabin leader recommend exactly when and where you should pick your child up.
8. Be decisive about your plan.
Don’t change your mind after visiting with your child for a while at camp. Of course he will be acting less homesick because you’re standing right there. But that doesn’t suddenly mean that he can make it through the rest of the session. Changing your mind about a shortened stay, even if your child agrees at that moment, can have disastrous consequences.
We’ve seen parents and severely homesick kids who visited for a while and then changed their minds about leaving camp early. As soon as the parents drove away, the kids lapsed back into extreme homesickness. The next day, the parents had to drive back to camp. Leaving camp early is not an easy decision to make. Don’t make it harder by changing your mind at the last minute. Be decisive, and praise all of your child’s efforts.
Because of the impact a shortened stay can have on your child’s self-esteem, attitudes about overnight camp, and attitudes about future separations, it’s important to make such a decision slowly, thoughtfully, and in close collaboration with the camp staff.
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