What about calling the camp regarding my child’s homesickness?
When you get a letter like the samples above, it’s appropriate to call the camp and talk to a staff member who can give you a status report. Most times, that person will tell you that your child has gotten over her homesickness and is doing fine. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Remember two things:
First, the letter you got is several days old. A lot can happen at camp in three or four days. Second, the letter was obviously written during a moment of desperation. Things may have changed immediately after the letter was mailed.
If you do call, what should you ask? First, identify yourself as a parent of a current camper, and state why you’re calling. Then ask to talk with your child’s cabin leader. Talking to the cook or the nurse or whoever else happens to be answering the phone that day won’t do any good. You need to talk with someone who is in frequent contact with your child. (Maybe you remembered to write down the name of your child’s cabin leader, so you can ask for him or her by name.) After you’ve made your request clear, be prepared to wait on the line a while, or to hang up and wait for a call back. Most overnight camps are large, dispersed campuses with few phones. Your child’s cabin leader may be running an activity far from a phone when you call. Perhaps your message won’t even get to him until the next mealtime, when he’s closer to a phone.
When you eventually do get to talk to your child’s cabin leader, tell her about the letter. Don’t be surprised if the cabin leader never detected any homesickness. Research has demonstrated that many severely homesick campers go unnoticed by their cabin leaders. It’s not that the cabin leaders don’t care, or that they don’t know what to look for. Sometimes, it’s simply that children hide their feelings from grown-ups who they don’t know well.
Once your child’s cabin leader understands your concern, he can tell you how your child is currently doing. Chances are, he’s doing much better. However, if he’s still homesick, you’ll want to hear what the cabin leader’s plans are for helping the situation. Feel free to make suggestions for this plan. After all, you know your child better than anyone.
If your child’s letter contained a threat to run away (or to do anything else unsafe), be sure to discuss that with both the cabin leader and the camp director. No one is in a position to call your child’s bluff. It’s not safe to assume that his threat to run away was an empty threat. You have to take it seriously. If your child isn’t homesick anymore, running away isn’t an issue. However, if he’s still severely homesick, someone at camp needs to “contract for safety” with your child. It’s rare that cabin leaders need to contract for safety with campers, but it’s worth mentioning so you understand the concept.
Contracting for safety means that the cabin leader or the camp director will sit down with your child and say something like, “Brandon, your mom called on the phone today because she got a letter from you that made her worried. Do you remember what you wrote that might have made her worried? That’s right, it was the part about running away. Now, I know you’ve been feeling really homesick lately, and we’ve been working on that. But running away is a really unsafe way to manage your homesick feelings. I don’t think it will solve the problem, and you might get hurt. So you and I need to have an agreement. If you ever feel like you’re really going to run away, do you agree to come and talk with me first? That way, we can find a safer way to help you feel better. Can you agree to that plan?”
If your child can agree to this sort of verbal safety contract, then he can stay at camp and keep working with the cabin leader on coping with his homesickness. However, if he refuses to contract for safety and continues to threaten to run away, then he needs constant staff supervision and a new plan of action. Children who cannot contract for safety are good candidates for shortened stays. Most camp staffs are not equipped to offer children prolonged, continuous, one-to-one supervision. If your child cannot contract for safety, then it’s time to have a discussion with the camp director about your child’s short-term supervision at camp, and his immediate return home.
This may all sound a bit severe, but don’t be concerned. Cases like this are extremely rare. It’s just nice to know what you would do in an exceptional circumstance. Let’s get back to discussing the much more common case of a child who’s homesick, but not threatening to do something unsafe.
Before you hang up the phone, set up a specific day and time when your child’s cabin leader will call you back. It will be important to check back in a day or so to see whether the plan for helping your child’s homesickness is working. Remind the cabin leader by saying something like, “OK, then, you’ll call me on Tuesday afternoon around 3:00 p.m. and give me an update? Thanks.”
How do I write back to my child about homesickness?
Whether you decide to call camp or not, you should always write a letter back to your child about her homesickness. The sooner you write, the better. However, it’s not easy to write these sorts of letters. Just like every other letter you write to your child at camp, you want this one to be newsy, upbeat, and encouraging. To this recipe, you must now add empathetic statements—words that show you understand how she feels. Once your child knows that you truly understand how upset she feels, she’ll start to feel better.
Here’s a sample response to a homesick letter.
The strength of a response letter like this is that it’s newsy, upbeat, encouraging, and empathetic. The first paragraph will make Ruthie feel validated and understood. Her mother is accepting of Ruthie’s feelings and even thanks her for sending the letter. She normalizes homesickness, but acknowledges that Ruthie’s feelings are unexpectedly strong.
In the second paragraph, Mom reminds Ruthie that they decided together how long she would be at camp. She then helps Ruthie reframe time (a great coping strategy) and concludes the paragraph by btelling Ruthie that she ought to be proud for making it this far.
In the third paragraph, Mom reminds Ruthie of some of the ways of coping that she found to be most effective during practice separations before camp started. Mom then goes on to give some news, more encouragement, and a restatement of the plan that she and Ruthie’s dad will come on the regularly scheduled pick-up day. Enclosing some photos is a nice finishing touch.
When children write extremely homesick letters like the samples above, they often include a request to be picked up. What’s the message there? On the surface, the message is: “I am (or was) homesick.” Underneath, the message is, “I’ve lost confidence in myself.” The severely homesick child is like a mountain climber who gets tired halfway up the mountain. The summit looks far away, and suddenly, the climber doesn’t think he can make it. He has lost confidence. It’s going to take someone else’s empathy and encouragement for him to regain his confidence and climb the rest of the way to the top of the mountain. As a parent, you need to be that someone for your homesick child. Instill as much confidence as you can.
When children make it through a bout of homesickness and complete their planned stay at camp, they feebl a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
When you get a letter like the samples above, it’s appropriate to call the camp and talk to a staff member who can give you a status report. Most times, that person will tell you that your child has gotten over her homesickness and is doing fine. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Remember two things:
If you do call, what should you ask? First, identify yourself as a parent of a current camper, and state why you’re calling. Then ask to talk with your child’s cabin leader. Talking to the cook or the nurse or whoever else happens to be answering the phone that day won’t do any good. You need to talk with someone who is in frequent contact with your child. (Maybe you remembered to write down the name of your child’s cabin leader, so you can ask for him or her by name.) After you’ve made your request clear, be prepared to wait on the line a while, or to hang up and wait for a call back. Most overnight camps are large, dispersed campuses with few phones. Your child’s cabin leader may be running an activity far from a phone when you call. Perhaps your message won’t even get to him until the next mealtime, when he’s closer to a phone.
When you eventually do get to talk to your child’s cabin leader, tell her about the letter. Don’t be surprised if the cabin leader never detected any homesickness. Research has demonstrated that many severely homesick campers go unnoticed by their cabin leaders. It’s not that the cabin leaders don’t care, or that they don’t know what to look for. Sometimes, it’s simply that children hide their feelings from grown-ups who they don’t know well.
Once your child’s cabin leader understands your concern, he can tell you how your child is currently doing. Chances are, he’s doing much better. However, if he’s still homesick, you’ll want to hear what the cabin leader’s plans are for helping the situation. Feel free to make suggestions for this plan. After all, you know your child better than anyone.
If your child’s letter contained a threat to run away (or to do anything else unsafe), be sure to discuss that with both the cabin leader and the camp director. No one is in a position to call your child’s bluff. It’s not safe to assume that his threat to run away was an empty threat. You have to take it seriously. If your child isn’t homesick anymore, running away isn’t an issue. However, if he’s still severely homesick, someone at camp needs to “contract for safety” with your child. It’s rare that cabin leaders need to contract for safety with campers, but it’s worth mentioning so you understand the concept.
Contracting for safety means that the cabin leader or the camp director will sit down with your child and say something like, “Brandon, your mom called on the phone today because she got a letter from you that made her worried. Do you remember what you wrote that might have made her worried? That’s right, it was the part about running away. Now, I know you’ve been feeling really homesick lately, and we’ve been working on that. But running away is a really unsafe way to manage your homesick feelings. I don’t think it will solve the problem, and you might get hurt. So you and I need to have an agreement. If you ever feel like you’re really going to run away, do you agree to come and talk with me first? That way, we can find a safer way to help you feel better. Can you agree to that plan?”
If your child can agree to this sort of verbal safety contract, then he can stay at camp and keep working with the cabin leader on coping with his homesickness. However, if he refuses to contract for safety and continues to threaten to run away, then he needs constant staff supervision and a new plan of action. Children who cannot contract for safety are good candidates for shortened stays. Most camp staffs are not equipped to offer children prolonged, continuous, one-to-one supervision. If your child cannot contract for safety, then it’s time to have a discussion with the camp director about your child’s short-term supervision at camp, and his immediate return home.
This may all sound a bit severe, but don’t be concerned. Cases like this are extremely rare. It’s just nice to know what you would do in an exceptional circumstance. Let’s get back to discussing the much more common case of a child who’s homesick, but not threatening to do something unsafe.
Before you hang up the phone, set up a specific day and time when your child’s cabin leader will call you back. It will be important to check back in a day or so to see whether the plan for helping your child’s homesickness is working. Remind the cabin leader by saying something like, “OK, then, you’ll call me on Tuesday afternoon around 3:00 p.m. and give me an update? Thanks.”
How do I write back to my child about homesickness?
Whether you decide to call camp or not, you should always write a letter back to your child about her homesickness. The sooner you write, the better. However, it’s not easy to write these sorts of letters. Just like every other letter you write to your child at camp, you want this one to be newsy, upbeat, and encouraging. To this recipe, you must now add empathetic statements—words that show you understand how she feels. Once your child knows that you truly understand how upset she feels, she’ll start to feel better.
Here’s a sample response to a homesick letter.
Dear Ruthie,
I got your letter today about how homesick you’ve been feeling. I could tell, just by reading the letter, how much those homesick feelings bother you. I remember we talked about homesick feelings being normal, but I guess we didn’t expect them to be so strong. It took a lot of courage to write that letter and tell me how bad you’ve been feeling. Thanks for letting me know how you feel.
Remember when we decided together that you wanted to go to camp? One of the things we talked about was how long you were going to stay, and we agreed on two weeks. That must seem like a really long time right now. But, by the time you get this letter, there will only be one week left of camp. Imagine, you’ve made it half way! That’s a lot. You must be proud to have made it that far.
Maybe you’re not so homesick anymore. I won’t know for sure until I get your next letter. If you still are, remember all the things you can think and do to help make things better. Stay busy, write a lot of letters, talk to your cabin leader, and look on the bright side. There are lots of fun things to do at camp that you can’t do at home. And before you know it, you’ll be home. Seven more days is not that much. I know you can do it!
Spot says “hi.” When you come home next week, we can take him out for a long walk in the park. He’ll like that. The park has a baseball diamond, too, so you can show me how good your batting has gotten since you’ve been at camp.
Daddy and I miss you and love you. We’ll be there to pick you up on Saturday morning, at the end of the session, just like we planned. Write again soon, sweetheart.
love, Mom
P.S. Here are some pictures from last weekend. Daddy and I went up to Weirs Beach to visit his old friend Tommy G. Pretty flowers, huh?
I got your letter today about how homesick you’ve been feeling. I could tell, just by reading the letter, how much those homesick feelings bother you. I remember we talked about homesick feelings being normal, but I guess we didn’t expect them to be so strong. It took a lot of courage to write that letter and tell me how bad you’ve been feeling. Thanks for letting me know how you feel.
Remember when we decided together that you wanted to go to camp? One of the things we talked about was how long you were going to stay, and we agreed on two weeks. That must seem like a really long time right now. But, by the time you get this letter, there will only be one week left of camp. Imagine, you’ve made it half way! That’s a lot. You must be proud to have made it that far.
Maybe you’re not so homesick anymore. I won’t know for sure until I get your next letter. If you still are, remember all the things you can think and do to help make things better. Stay busy, write a lot of letters, talk to your cabin leader, and look on the bright side. There are lots of fun things to do at camp that you can’t do at home. And before you know it, you’ll be home. Seven more days is not that much. I know you can do it!
Spot says “hi.” When you come home next week, we can take him out for a long walk in the park. He’ll like that. The park has a baseball diamond, too, so you can show me how good your batting has gotten since you’ve been at camp.
Daddy and I miss you and love you. We’ll be there to pick you up on Saturday morning, at the end of the session, just like we planned. Write again soon, sweetheart.
love, Mom
P.S. Here are some pictures from last weekend. Daddy and I went up to Weirs Beach to visit his old friend Tommy G. Pretty flowers, huh?
The strength of a response letter like this is that it’s newsy, upbeat, encouraging, and empathetic. The first paragraph will make Ruthie feel validated and understood. Her mother is accepting of Ruthie’s feelings and even thanks her for sending the letter. She normalizes homesickness, but acknowledges that Ruthie’s feelings are unexpectedly strong.
In the second paragraph, Mom reminds Ruthie that they decided together how long she would be at camp. She then helps Ruthie reframe time (a great coping strategy) and concludes the paragraph by btelling Ruthie that she ought to be proud for making it this far.
In the third paragraph, Mom reminds Ruthie of some of the ways of coping that she found to be most effective during practice separations before camp started. Mom then goes on to give some news, more encouragement, and a restatement of the plan that she and Ruthie’s dad will come on the regularly scheduled pick-up day. Enclosing some photos is a nice finishing touch.
When children write extremely homesick letters like the samples above, they often include a request to be picked up. What’s the message there? On the surface, the message is: “I am (or was) homesick.” Underneath, the message is, “I’ve lost confidence in myself.” The severely homesick child is like a mountain climber who gets tired halfway up the mountain. The summit looks far away, and suddenly, the climber doesn’t think he can make it. He has lost confidence. It’s going to take someone else’s empathy and encouragement for him to regain his confidence and climb the rest of the way to the top of the mountain. As a parent, you need to be that someone for your homesick child. Instill as much confidence as you can.
When children make it through a bout of homesickness and complete their planned stay at camp, they feebl a tremendous sense of accomplishment.
After the first four days, I was sure that I couldn’t make it through. I wrote to my parents around on the second day of camp and told them to come pick me up. I really wanted to go home, but now I’m glad they didn’t come get me. I just took things one day at a time, like my cabin leader told me. At home, I think I would have just been bored. I probably would have wanted to be back at camp. I’m bdefinitely coming back to camp next summer, probably for a whole month, not just two weeks.
- Teodora, age 10
- Teodora, age 10
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