TEACH ABOUT SAFE AND UNSAFE TOUCH
Just like a classroom, a playground, or a friend’s house, camp is a place where kids play and talk with adults and other young people. These interactions are usually safe and fun. However, on rare occasions, another child or an adult may use bad judgment. He or she might try something unsafe
with your child. Chances are, you’ve already taught your child basic rules for staying safe around other people. For example, you’ve told her not to talk to strangers, not to take candy or money from a stranger, and not to get in a car with a stranger. You’ve also probably told her how to say “no” if another child or an adult offers her drugs. However, not all parents have talked to their kids about safe and unsafe touch. It’s a sensitive topic, and it’s hard to find the right words. All parents feel a little awkward talking about touch with their kids.
If you’ve selected a camp thoughtfully, or if you’ve gotten a camp recommendation from a trusted friend, then there is very little chance of any unsafe situation occurring there. High quality camps hire chigh quality staffs. The staff at a high quality camp knows how to monitor their own behavior and the behavior of their campers in order to keep everyone safe and happy. However, unsafe touch between two campers, or between a staff member and a camper, is even less likely to occur when kids know the difference between safe and unsafe touch. If you haven’t yet talked to your son or daughter about keeping his or her body safe, now is a good time.
Education: What’s the difference between safe and unsafe touch?
The first thing you want to do is make sure your child knows the different between safe and unsafe touch. No one has the right to touch your child on a private place on his body or in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable. There are two aspects of safe touch: where it happens and how it makes you feel.
As far as where it happens, the easiest way to explain unsafe touch to kids is to say, “Unsafe touch is when someone touches a place on your body that is normally covered by your bathing suit. Most other places are safe to touch, as long as it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.” You can give examples, such as, “Safe touch includes pats on the head, high-fives, a hand on a shoulder or back, and brief hugs.” You might also explain that during instructional activities at camp, safe touch may ccinclude a hand on the stomach (e.g., to support a novice swimmer), hands on lower legs (e.g., to position a water-skier), or even hands near the waist (e.g., to fasten a climbing harness). The bathing suit rule will help you remember that safe touch is different for boys and girls. For boys, safe touch can include pats on the chest (during a touch football game, for example). However, for girls, pats on the chest would not be safe touch. The chest is a place that normally would be covered by any girl’s bathing suit. Of course, for both boys and girls, bathing suits cover their genitals and buttocks. Unwelcome touch in these private areas is unsafe.
How it makes you feel is the other part of safe touch. You can easily explain this to your child by saying, “Safe touches shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable. If someone is touching you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s unsafe. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter where the person is touching you. Uncomfortable touch is unsafe.” You can give examples, such as, “Someone might pat you on the back for doing a good job. That feels good. It’s safe touch. But what if someone pinched your back? That would probably make you feel uncomfortable, so that’s unsafe touch.”
After discussing these and other examples of safe and unsafe touch, your child should be able to recognize safe and unsafe touch based on where the touch is and how it makes him feel. Children should be proud of their bodies, yet understand that private body parts are just that: private.
There is one exception that you should discuss: doctors and nurses sometimes need to touch children’s bodies in private places. For example, a thorough physical exam includes a genital exam. Doctors and nurses might also need to touch a child’s body in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable. For example, they sometimes need to give children shots. Most young people intuitively understand that doctors’ and nurses’ professional duties are an exception to the safe touch rules. Still, you should mention this one exception so your child doesn’t get confused the next time she goes for a physical exam.
Prevention: How can kids prevent unsafe touch?
Here are some concrete guidelines for preventing unsafe touch that you can give your child. Remember not to talk just about camp, or your child may think that camp is the only place where she needs to be careful. Although unsafe and unwelcome touches are rare, they could happen in any environment. Children should know how to protect themselves wherever they are.
You might start by saying something like, “Bodies are wonderful things. It’s amazing if you think about it. There are 6 billion people in the world, and everyone’s body is different! Bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. It’s important to remember that your body belongs to just one person: you! Here are some ways to keep your body and other people’s bodies safe, whether you’re at school, at camp, or just sleeping over at a friend’s house.” After this type of brief introduction, you can share these examples of how to prevent unsafe touch.
Intervention: What should kids do if unsafe touch happens?
Unsafe touch is rare at schools, camps, and other places where there are many adults to supervise each activity. Even though it’s rare, your child should still know what to do if someone uses unsafe touch. It doesn’t matter whether the unsafe touch was unwanted tickling, pinching, hugging, kissing, rubbing, or fondling. Your child’s response should be the same. In these words, or in your own words, discuss these two steps with your son or daughter:
Some kids are worried about telling a trusted adult about some unsafe touch that happened. They fear that talking about it will be embarrassing. Or, they fear that telling about it might get someone in trouble. Kids may feel as if they are betraying the loyalty of a person they admire. Emphasize to your child, “It might not be easy to tell a trusted adult, but it is important. First of all, telling a trusted adult will get the person to stop touching you. It will keep your body safe. Telling a trusted adult will also help the person who touched you. That person will get help understanding the difference between safe and unsafe touch. Don’t worry at all about hurting anyone’s feelings. Your safety is always more important than someone else’s feelings. Always.”
A final note on touch.
Rest assured that high quality camps are extremely safe places, in all respects. Even so, random contact or unwelcome affection can sometimes be misperceived as unsafe touch. Remember that everyone at camp comes from a unique family, with its own culture and traditions. Families all have their own ways of expressing affection, and almost all touch among family members is meant to be affectionate. Therefore, some unwelcome touch is benign.
If your child reports being touched in an unsafe way, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she has been abused. Praise your child for telling you what happened, but then talk to the camp director before you jump to conclusions or unfairly accuse someone. Of course, the best policy is to prevent unsafe touch in the first place. The most important thing is that your child knows how to ask assertively not to be touched in a way that feels unsafe.
Just like a classroom, a playground, or a friend’s house, camp is a place where kids play and talk with adults and other young people. These interactions are usually safe and fun. However, on rare occasions, another child or an adult may use bad judgment. He or she might try something unsafe
If you’ve selected a camp thoughtfully, or if you’ve gotten a camp recommendation from a trusted friend, then there is very little chance of any unsafe situation occurring there. High quality camps hire chigh quality staffs. The staff at a high quality camp knows how to monitor their own behavior and the behavior of their campers in order to keep everyone safe and happy. However, unsafe touch between two campers, or between a staff member and a camper, is even less likely to occur when kids know the difference between safe and unsafe touch. If you haven’t yet talked to your son or daughter about keeping his or her body safe, now is a good time.
Education: What’s the difference between safe and unsafe touch?
The first thing you want to do is make sure your child knows the different between safe and unsafe touch. No one has the right to touch your child on a private place on his body or in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable. There are two aspects of safe touch: where it happens and how it makes you feel.
As far as where it happens, the easiest way to explain unsafe touch to kids is to say, “Unsafe touch is when someone touches a place on your body that is normally covered by your bathing suit. Most other places are safe to touch, as long as it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.” You can give examples, such as, “Safe touch includes pats on the head, high-fives, a hand on a shoulder or back, and brief hugs.” You might also explain that during instructional activities at camp, safe touch may ccinclude a hand on the stomach (e.g., to support a novice swimmer), hands on lower legs (e.g., to position a water-skier), or even hands near the waist (e.g., to fasten a climbing harness). The bathing suit rule will help you remember that safe touch is different for boys and girls. For boys, safe touch can include pats on the chest (during a touch football game, for example). However, for girls, pats on the chest would not be safe touch. The chest is a place that normally would be covered by any girl’s bathing suit. Of course, for both boys and girls, bathing suits cover their genitals and buttocks. Unwelcome touch in these private areas is unsafe.
How it makes you feel is the other part of safe touch. You can easily explain this to your child by saying, “Safe touches shouldn’t make you feel uncomfortable. If someone is touching you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s unsafe. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter where the person is touching you. Uncomfortable touch is unsafe.” You can give examples, such as, “Someone might pat you on the back for doing a good job. That feels good. It’s safe touch. But what if someone pinched your back? That would probably make you feel uncomfortable, so that’s unsafe touch.”
After discussing these and other examples of safe and unsafe touch, your child should be able to recognize safe and unsafe touch based on where the touch is and how it makes him feel. Children should be proud of their bodies, yet understand that private body parts are just that: private.
There is one exception that you should discuss: doctors and nurses sometimes need to touch children’s bodies in private places. For example, a thorough physical exam includes a genital exam. Doctors and nurses might also need to touch a child’s body in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable. For example, they sometimes need to give children shots. Most young people intuitively understand that doctors’ and nurses’ professional duties are an exception to the safe touch rules. Still, you should mention this one exception so your child doesn’t get confused the next time she goes for a physical exam.
Prevention: How can kids prevent unsafe touch?
Here are some concrete guidelines for preventing unsafe touch that you can give your child. Remember not to talk just about camp, or your child may think that camp is the only place where she needs to be careful. Although unsafe and unwelcome touches are rare, they could happen in any environment. Children should know how to protect themselves wherever they are.
You might start by saying something like, “Bodies are wonderful things. It’s amazing if you think about it. There are 6 billion people in the world, and everyone’s body is different! Bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. It’s important to remember that your body belongs to just one person: you! Here are some ways to keep your body and other people’s bodies safe, whether you’re at school, at camp, or just sleeping over at a friend’s house.” After this type of brief introduction, you can share these examples of how to prevent unsafe touch.
- Don’t sit on another person’s bed unless you are invited. At camp, at home, and at school, people live together and they learn to share many things. You may even share a bed with your brother or sister at home, but at camp, everyone’s bed is his own. It’s private space. You don’t have to share your own bed, and you need to get permission before you sit on another person’s bed.
- Don’t share sleeping bags with anyone. Your sleeping bag is private space. It’s made especially for one person: you. No one should ever share it with you, even on a chilly night. If someone forgets this rule, remind them.
- Don’t walk around naked. Of course, there are some OK times to be naked, such as when you’re changing your clothes or when you’re taking a shower. Things may be different at home, but elsewhere there are times when it might bother people if you are walking around naked. For example, when you’re at camp and you need to go outside your cabin to hang your wet bathing suit on the clothesline, put on some clothes first.
- When people are changing their clothes, give them privacy. Whether they’re in their bedroom, a locker room, or a tent at camp, don’t touch people who are changing their clothes. Give them some room and wait until they are done changing.
- When people are showering, give them space. At some camps and schools, the showers have private stalls. Everyone gets their own little shower. At other camps and schools, all the showers are together in one big room. Even in these big rooms, people need their own private space. Don’t touch or stare at someone who is showering.
- If another kid asks you to stop touching him, you should stop. You might not think your touch is unsafe, but you should stop anyway. Remember, it’s the other kid’s body, not yours. He gets to decide what feels comfortable and what doesn’t.
Intervention: What should kids do if unsafe touch happens?
Unsafe touch is rare at schools, camps, and other places where there are many adults to supervise each activity. Even though it’s rare, your child should still know what to do if someone uses unsafe touch. It doesn’t matter whether the unsafe touch was unwanted tickling, pinching, hugging, kissing, rubbing, or fondling. Your child’s response should be the same. In these words, or in your own words, discuss these two steps with your son or daughter:
- First, tell the person to stop. Remember, your body belongs to you. You always have the right to tell someone not to touch you. No matter who the person is, how nice they are, how old they are, or what they tell you about why they are touching you, it’s OK to ask them to stop. Sometimes, people who touch kids in unsafe ways try to convince them that it’s OK, but it’s not, no matter what. If the touching makes you feel uncomfortable, or if the touching is in a private place, you need to ask them to stop. Say, “Please don’t touch me” in a loud, firm voice. Be serious and look the person in the eye. Don’t giggle or smile. If the person doesn’t stop right away, repeat “Please don’t touch me!” in an even louder voice. Move the person’s hands off of you, and step away from them.
- Second, tell a trusted adult. If another child or an adult has touched you in an unsafe way, you must make sure it doesn’t happen again. Therefore, it’s very important to tell a trusted adult. This could be your cabin leader, another staff member, the camp director, or one of the other adults in charge. If the person who touched you is one of the adults in charge, then you need to tell a different adult. If the first person you tell is busy or doesn’t listen, tell someone else. Keep trying until someone listens. Tell them exactly what happened and who did it. Remember that if someone touches you in an unsafe way, it is never ever your fault. You won’t get in trouble.
Some kids are worried about telling a trusted adult about some unsafe touch that happened. They fear that talking about it will be embarrassing. Or, they fear that telling about it might get someone in trouble. Kids may feel as if they are betraying the loyalty of a person they admire. Emphasize to your child, “It might not be easy to tell a trusted adult, but it is important. First of all, telling a trusted adult will get the person to stop touching you. It will keep your body safe. Telling a trusted adult will also help the person who touched you. That person will get help understanding the difference between safe and unsafe touch. Don’t worry at all about hurting anyone’s feelings. Your safety is always more important than someone else’s feelings. Always.”
A final note on touch.
Rest assured that high quality camps are extremely safe places, in all respects. Even so, random contact or unwelcome affection can sometimes be misperceived as unsafe touch. Remember that everyone at camp comes from a unique family, with its own culture and traditions. Families all have their own ways of expressing affection, and almost all touch among family members is meant to be affectionate. Therefore, some unwelcome touch is benign.
If your child reports being touched in an unsafe way, that doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she has been abused. Praise your child for telling you what happened, but then talk to the camp director before you jump to conclusions or unfairly accuse someone. Of course, the best policy is to prevent unsafe touch in the first place. The most important thing is that your child knows how to ask assertively not to be touched in a way that feels unsafe.
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